feeling peace

i wrote this up a couple of days ago. i wasn't sure if i was going to post it, but i feel like i need to. maybe for my own therapeutic benefit or maybe because someone else will read it and it will help them. i've certainly found comfort when other women have shared their miscarriage stories.

since writing it, i've felt really happy. happier than i've felt in months. it's been kind of amazing.

thanks for all the love. your prayers, emails, calls, texts have meant a lot. and thanks to a husband and two kids who make my world the greatest world ever!

here's the post...

Hi. So...let's talk.

I was pregnant. I was nauseated, tired, hormonal, and all things that would indicate a healthy pregnancy. But I had a feeling that something was off. There was a dark cloud chasing me, the same dark cloud I felt with my first pregnancy. This time around the symptoms confused me. I wouldn't be sick if I were going to miscarry, right? But then bad signs appeared showing me my off feeling was right.

I had a miscarriage over a few days before and during Christmas. Physical and emotion pain during a time when I should be feeling joy. Not my best Christmas.

I keep comparing this miscarriage to my first miscarriage. The first time I was devastated and had so many impatient questions. Would I ever be able to have kids? What was wrong with me? How long would it be until I could have a baby? The sadness consumed me...until I got pregnant with Eli and knew I'd have a baby in my arms soon.

This time I have perspective. I have two beautiful children that I can hold and kiss and snuggle. I'm sad, but the sadness is being lifted while they comfort me with their sweet silliness.

Last night I was congratulating myself on how well I'm recovering, how wise I am that I've given myself time to grieve and feel depressed and heal. Then I realized that, although I do feel stronger this time around, the peace I'm feeling is from all the prayers that have gone up for me. Thanks to my amazing family and friends.

This experience is going to strengthen me, I am confident of that. I can already see how it's shaping me into a more grateful mother.

Earlier this week I read this quote from No Doubt About It:

"It is in moments of disappointment, heartache, and loneliness that we often make the decisions that forge our faith, mold our character, fortify our convictions about the only source of strength and solace that satisfies. And that is Jesus Christ.... How do we know if we can bear up under challenge and trial, unless we have challenge and trial? And how can we expect to feel and taste the pure sweetness of the gospel of Jesus Christ, specifically the power and peace of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, unless there are times in our lives when we desperately need and seek that peace and power?"

This year, as I've said at least a million times (!), has been challenging. When I first found out I was pregnant, I thought this was going to be my sweet gift for enduring a hard year. When I miscarried, I felt anger with my sadness. How could this year get any worse? Why did this have to happen now? All those weeks of being sick and tired and I don't even get a baby for it!?! But, after lots of praying and crying, pure sweetness and peace came over me and helped me know that this was one of those times when I get to prove to myself where I will turn for peace.

That doesn't mean I won't be sad anymore. It will pinch when I think about this loss or see someone with a new baby. And I know my due date will hurt.

But that God given peace is powerful and will heal the pain.